23 years ago i turned 19.

i was a freshman living in the dorms at UNI.

19 was legal drinking age then.

my plans were to go out with friends. to a bar. legally.

"what a concept".

i hadn't been at UNI long, but had definitely experienced my share of parties and drinking.

little did i know that in a little over a month God would be grabbing me from that scene and drawing me to Himself.

about 4 that afternoon, i got a knock on my dorm door.

it was my dad. he had a white layer cake. my mom's special, homemade, birthday-cake recipe with the fluffy white frosting.

i wasn't expecting it or him. he was a bit awkward and sweet as he handed me the cake, a card and a hug.

he left as quickly as he arrived.

i will always remember the thought and love poured into that cake, as my parents are both gone now.

i made a cake for my freshman son the other day.

we drove it to iowa city and took him out for a bite to eat.

we dropped him off at his dorm where he introduced us to the guy's bible study he is involved in.

after a hug, a card, and a "eat up, boys!" it seemed we left

as quickly

as we had arrived.

and i prayed as we drove home that the same God who drew me to Himself shortly after my 19th birthday, would do the same for my son.

He is a God of miracles...look at me.

Our son's a Hawkeye now!

It was a very, very fun weekend!!

leaving our firstborn at college

i don't know what to say, i seem to only be able to feel.

on the way home in a borrowed suburban, we had to have the windows down.
no air conditioning, and it was so hot....

no communication was happening between my husband and i because of the wind's noise
...whipping my thoughts and my hair, i did my best to keep them both out of my face.

we drove out of iowa city by way of the hospital...remembering our son's beginning.

the sky was so close, i could touch it as i stuck my arm out the window... or was it touching me?
i was daring the force to either rip my arm off, or pull me out and take me away.

the miles just wouldn't stop rushing under our wheels.

our other son, from home, called and told us that waterloo was in a tornado watch and iowa city had severe thunderstorm warnings.

nearly half out my window by now, i was comforted by the fury displayed in the low hanging sky, my tears preceded the rain.

i began remembering the song by tree63 the last leg of our drive home,
"you give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be your name."
that's what it is all about, no?

Pruning hurts....

My son...in a very kind way, while discussing a situation in our lives, reminded me of what I had learned a few months back.
The lesson was about letting my older kids make the choices they will make.

He reminded me about "detachment" without actually saying the word.
That's how I knew it was from God...through my son.

I am so glad that I had "ears to hear", however, I am still trying to interpret it.
"Detachment" as a mother, makes me feel like a tourist in a foreign land.
It feels so very...opposite.

I was made aware that I need to detach from my older kids' choices and decisions.
Read that as, I was attaching myself, like a leach to their choices...claiming some sort of responsiblity for them, and resultantly, a need to convince them with much vested interest that they needed to change or, well, the sky would fall!!!!

God is good to bring it up to me again in a new scenario. He hasn't given up on me yet!!

It seems in this situation, I  need to put past hurts behind me and move forward.
(I have been hurt and I really don't want my kids to get hurt in the same way.)

Because,
if I continue to sit in this place, what further use am I to my God?

He wants me to learn from it and move on; understanding in a new and intimate way HOW MUCH He wants to change me, grow me and love me through the process.
If I place this hurt behind me, firmly in my past,then He's telling me there will be a lot less "fuel" to add to a non-existent fire when discussing it with my kids.
Freeing them to make the choices they make... using whatever advice I have given them that they choose.
Without the heat
the guilt
the tears
the anguish....

I need a miracle...because, really in this situation, anguish is not TOO strong of a word when it comes to what I would want my kids to choose.
I need God to live through me.

As I look back at a portion of what we studied on Sunday, I can see some of what He is trying to teach me.

John 15:3-4 "You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me."

I need to allow God to prune the situation that brought hurt and ultimately fear for my kids.
And then I will more firmly remain in Him; my energies and life will no longer flow into those useless, non fruit bearing branches.

gotta love it!  

My hubby got our sleepy graduate out of bed the other day when our neighbor (who drives a bus) was taking a a morning breatk at her house. :)